


i was born sick, but i love it.

by howdothestarslook



Category: Maurice (1987), Maurice - E. M. Forster
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Panic Attacks, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:55:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28722462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdothestarslook/pseuds/howdothestarslook
Summary: he's just, broken and scared and he wants so much from so many people. so much that it sends him spiralling.- or clive has a panic attack, and maurice comforts him.
Relationships: Clive Durham/Maurice Hall, Maurice Hall/Clive Durham, Maurice/Clive
Kudos: 26





	i was born sick, but i love it.

**Author's Note:**

> TW/CW - HOMOPHOBIA + PANIC ATTACKS, please stay safe !!
> 
> title from hozier's, take me to church.

he sometimes wonders how it is he ends up like this, he knows society is the answer, better yet capitalism is the answer. profit of killing those who are not you. and 'his type' he and maurice's will always be hated. it'll only get worst, he's sure. the big man in the big chair, who clive comes scarily within reach of, will command change and they'll start getting executed again. still, the thought alone makes his bones shake and his breath shorten. so that's how he ends up with his knees to his chest, a bottle of probably, the cheapest wine, he's ever owned and tears running down his face. he just can't do this anymore. he wants to love maurice, he really does. he wants it more than anything, he'd sell the sun and the moon and all the stars if it meant he could just feel safe loving the man, he does so truly love. 

he's just, broken and scared and he wants so much from so many people. so much that it sends him spiralling. he gasps for air, and that only makes it worse. he can't breathe. he can't fucking breathe. and if he had the air for it he'd scream for help. but he just doesn't, he's sweating, and crying and he can't, for the life of him, breathe. this is it. he's sure of it. this is, undoubtedly, going to be the death of him. in an hour, or even two, maurice will find him, lifeless on the floor.

'please,' he gasps out, choking for breath. he knows nobody heard him he hardly even whispered, but he's going crazy. and if anyone but maurice were to find him, lord he'd be in an asylum quicker than he could try to explain himself. he's going to die. one way or another, in an asylum or that of other means. 

he can't do this. 

'durham, are you in here?' there a knock at the door, and he can't find breath to scream for help before maurice enters, pushing the door locked behind him. and when maurice sees the state he's in, it's almost as if he loses all of his breath too. he looks, lost. completely and utterly lost. like that first afternoon, when he had described love as no more than, rubbish. that same, confused look washes over his face. 

'help' is all he can push out in a whimper, his breath still ragged and tired. he just wants to breathe. he's exhausted. and in some weird way, it's almost as if that activates something so raw and real in maurice, that his eyes become misty with tears. and he sits beside clive, pulling him into his arms. 

'you're all right, i've got you.' maurice tells him, pressing a kiss to the top of his hair and stroking a gentle hand down his back. 'you're all right, i wouldn't let somebody get to you.' he reassures him, slow and soft. he's still shaking as if the biting wind had caught him, and his breathing isn't normal but it's better. and right now, that's all maurice would dare ask of him. 

'that's it, i'm here, i love you always.' it takes a moment, possibly two but eventually, clive's breathing regulates. and the second it does, he cries, and he cries, and he cries. there's something so different about being held by maurice, by the man who he loves more than any woman he could ever meet, that causes his brain to fall down like dominoes. he just wants to encapsulate his spirit and keep it in his pocket. he wants to embrace him and never let go. 

'you'll be the death of me if you keep talking that way.' he lays his head against maurice's shoulder, sitting in his lap. he knows he shouldn't fear this, not when it feels this way. but he's partly worried that maurice doesn't fear it, and that scares him even more. he can't hurt this way much longer. he just, can't. 

'are you scared?' he asks when maurice reaches over to take a mouthful of wine. if it wasn't for the anxiety, he'd be passed out on the floor with how much wine he managed to get down. 

'how'd you mean?' he asks, rubbing his thumb along with durham's knee. it's comforting, in the loveliest way. the little touches they get to share when they get a moment together. 

'of someone, finding us...like this' he explains, pressing a kiss to maurice's shoulder, it makes him shiver in a curious way and clive can't help but smile at it. he looks so beautiful when he smiles, maurice thinks. even with tear-stained cheeks and messy hair, that smile looks more gorgeous than any sight, he's cared to witness. 

'i do worry, but that's human nature, my dear. and most times, more than anything, i'm just thankful you haven't gone off me.' he tells him, circling that same spot on his knee again. in a sad way clive feels almost reassured by that, that he does feel that same dread weighing down his stomach. maybe he isn't completely crazy. he thinks maybe maurice is slightly mad though, for thinking clive had ever been able to go off him. he's everything. 

'i couldn't go off you if i tried, i don't believe' he flicks his eyes up to meet maurice's this time, they share a moment, and for that moment it feels like they're the only ones. that they survived whatever apocalypse had come and gone, that the entire universe had been swept up with the wind and they were all that was left. the moment dissolves when clive thinks, fuck fear, fuck everything, and kisses maurice's mouth hard. maurice isn't quite sure why he's so shocked when clive kisses him so hard, but he doesn't hesitate to kiss him back. 

clive only stops kissing him to mumble 'i love you' into his mouth, repeating it over and over. i love you, i love you, i love you, i love everything you are, i love everything you do. he's convinced this is where he was always meant to be, right here, right now. if the universe could create a snapshot of everything he was meant to do in his lifetime, this would be the one. this is the way he's meant to be, the big man in the big chair is wrong. all fucking wrong. and corrupt and quite frankly, ridiculous.

for right now he knows what he's meant to do, and that's love, the love of his life like he's never been loved before.


End file.
